Day 2, here it is…
Day 2: 26 April 2018
Introduction: Thanksgiving, Praise and Worship exercise — exact lyrics do not matter.
“You can have all this world, give me Jesus.” There is no better way to say that one. I have seen so little of you in this world. That breaks my heart. I cannot even claim that I have done any better than others. I wanted to live so badly through this emergency, so I could get a chance to see the other side of the yuck and the muck.
It would be easier to give up on this world and go to be with you than to stay here. Yet, through all of this, I have chosen to fight for my life. It somehow has something to do with you Lord. Not sure how this exactly works. It has something to do with finally being at a place where you should be the only thing that matters so I can finally have an opportunity to live, so I can serve you better, so I just keep fighting for life.
“You are my rest and my refuge.” Lord, oh how I rested in your arms on that long ride to save my life. You were my only refuge, could not feel anything of relief except you. I thank you and praise you for removing this world from me while I barely felt the experience.
“When I come to die, give me Jesus.” I actually expected you to save my life, but at the same time I willingly accepted your perfect wisdom and plans for my life. It took all of the stress out of the life-threatening emergency.
“When I am alone, give me Jesus.” You are all I need. I want human relationships that are deep and meaningful, but I want you more.
“In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus.” Thank you for giving me new mornings to walk through restoration of body, mind, soul and relationships. Mornings have always been a lovely time for me. A time of new starts, every day. The birds now sound more lovely than ever in the morning because you gave me you and another chance to try again.
” …his mercies are renewed every morning.” ~ Lamentations 3:22-23
Step 1: Gather
I hear my own rambling. I am tired because it is not morning when my brain works the best. My physical state distracts me later in the day. My energy gets used up during the day. Every organ, EVERYTHING, increases in inflammation with every hour after I wake, so I wear down as the day progresses. My patience gets worn down throughout the day. The tasks seem to get more difficult as the day progresses because of the physical struggles.
Then I get frustrated with myself because I “should” be able to rise above the physical and spend time with you in full focus.
The nonsense of this world is another distraction beyond belief. I have not yet learned how to remove myself from some of the biggest offenders.
Lord hear my heart. Hear that I desire to be closer to you, know you better, reflect your love brighter and be more like you. It is like I am trying to take steps that are bigger than my feet will allow.
Now there is an interesting twist. As this last decade of losing blood flow has taken its toll on everything physcially, including all ligaments and tendons in my body, I have not been able to take full steps. This last 2 years has gotten so bad that I have taken baby steps to be able to transport my body. The constriction has been so severe that I have not been able to stand or even sit up straight.
This is where I get giddy. When I see these possible correlations, I cannot help but see your kind sweet loving grace, patiently waiting to get my attention.
So, let’s say that one of the ways you are showing me to slow down and take baby steps is by forcing me to take “baby steps.” My body physically was not able to take a full stride and it kept getting worse until the emergency procedure 11 days ago. The constriction is everywhere in my body, but the specific pain has been in my Achilles heels that keeps me from taking larger steps. Pain stops me from extending my stride too far.
For years I have wanted to plow through this, get to the conclusion, get things done, move on. You literally stopped me in my tracks. You forced me to take the baby steps necessary to see you, instead of my power to plow through life.
I think we are back to the word STOP. Take a breath. Take deeper breaths than my body has allowed for years on a physical level and slow down. Stop the noise, stop the plowing, stop the racket of this world and see you more fully. Maybe even see myself instead of seeing who others see me as.
Hum diddly do. Should have figured this out decades ago and I could have skipped the drama.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, or his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~ Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV
Step 2: Focused Reflection
This is supposed to be where I focus on the toxic thought that I am supposed to work on during this 21 days. I forgot what that toxic thought is. So, I scrolled up to the top to find what I had listed as my toxic thought. It was “abandonment, fear of abandonment.”
Lord, I just felt your smile on that moment.
Some moments I just get so giddy that I don’t want to be serious and work on the toxic muck. How can I have abandonment issues when you have been right there at my heels for every step forcing me take baby steps? Even the thought of abandonment slipped my mind because I have found your faithful presence in my every step.
So exactly how did I get the toxic thought of fear of abandonment?? How silly is that. Okay, it is late and I am getting punchy. I will finish this in the morning when my brain can sort these words out better. I had to start this tonight so that I could deal with my morning adventure.
After 5 of the longest years of life, I finally get some help. Someone is supposed to arrive tomorrow to get paid to help me for 4 hours a week. I am having a twang of wanting to go down the path of the absurdity of me not having help for these 5 years that made all these problems worse, but then that takes me down the path of my toxic thought of abandonment. I have to let it go and be grateful that tomorrow is my big day of receiving help.
May you bless her hands and her heart. Please help me not to be the raving maniac I was last week. Help me show her that even in the midst of crisis, I remain in you, a peace that only you can provide.
NOTE: Morning of 4/26, finishing this up. NOT the suggested way to do this but I will allow grace for myself as I am doing the very best I can. I have the knowledge that my brain shuts down in the evening, yet I chose to start this last night.
It is the details that make me feel loved by you. Had I not worked on this when my brain was dull, numb and inflamed, I would not have gotten so giddy and gone down the path I did and found you yanking at my heels to force me to take baby steps. Lord, you are awesome in every way and in every detail, thank you.
Step 3: Journal
How have I been set free from this toxic thought today? Just by simple jabbering last night and finding a correlation that made me giddy. Lord, I got so distracted in you and the care you have provided for me that I plum forgot what my toxic thought even was.
Step 4: Revisit
Thank you for the relief from it last night while I slept. Usually I wake up and spend two straight hours wide awake and lay there in agony over these thoughts, just simply making it all worse. Last night I slept right through that normal 2-hour window of misery.
This morning I have already ran into a situation that brought up the abandonment issues again. Wham, hit, blow. Yep, it still stings and pulls me down into darkness. Hold my hand while I keep working on this. Shine your light on me. Let me run with you.
Step 5: Active Reach
I choose to be grateful that I received a break from my toxic thought yesterday, but I will (in detail) work through this 21-Day Brain Detox to clean it up some more. I choose to stay focused. That is so hard when my brain is going a million miles a minute wanting to fix everything today.
Today’s action step will be to feel your love at my heels. Feel you touching my Achilles heels, forcing me to take baby steps through this. Physically my heart/ascending aorta/every artery/every organ/EVERYTHING needs me to focus on healing this physical problem, NOW, not later. If I do not take baby steps I could kill myself. If I truly want life, I am going to have to do this your way and not mine. Baby steps. FOCUS!! Feel your love at my heels. I feel that you are here with me and have not left me.
Wishing ALL of you the presense of Jesus,
Maribeth Baxter, MBEC (Certified Mind-Body Eating Coach)
Dig Deeper – Grow More
Do your own 21-Day Brain Detox, by Dr. Caroline Leaf, Christian neuroscientist.
Find out about Dr. Caroline Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist with a PhD in Communication Pathology specializing in Neuropsychology. … She frequently lectures to both Christian and secular audiences worldwide, linking scientific principles of the brain to spiritual, intellectual and emotional issues in simple and practical … Dr. Caroline Leaf
75% to 95% of the illnesses that plague us today are a direct result of our thought life. What we think about affects us physically and emotionally. It’s an epidemic of toxic emotions. The average person has over 30,000 thoughts a day. Through an uncontrolled thought life, we create the conditions for illness; we make … Dr. Caroline Leaf