How did I get so completely derailed the last few days? I did great having faith, all the way through the latest crisis and all the way home and for a couple days after. Then I plum pitifully failed. Where the heck did my “faith” go? How did I crash so hard when I totally and completely trusted that God had his plan for my life and he would execute it to his perfection. So, how/why/huhhhh? What the heck happened to my faith?
I called in the troops to pray when I realized the emergency situation I was in. I fully realized the impossibility of living through it but I know God better than I know of worldly things. Everyone I contacted started praying.
The drive to save my life was filled, not with begging God to save me, but expecting him to do it. There was no doubt. I was even proud of myself. Hum, maybe that is one key right there, my pride.
All I really know is that God is always good, whether I am on a ride to save my life in an emergency situation or whether it is the return ride home to celebrate life. Jesus is always good, no matter if the outcome is what our preference is or not.
So how did I go from the celebration of God saving me to crashing to such a degree? I have had a miserable last few days. I have been more angry than usual, like crazy nutty angry. Yes, I surely have the right to be. Let me tell you the ways people have let me down, abandoned me, and left me feeling like my soul was crushed over this experience……
Hummmmmmm, where are the blessings? There was not much about me that matched my actions to my faith for the last few days.
All I heard were the grumblings. Not only did I hear the grumblings, I saw them in my actions. That is not like me, to that extent. I usually can hide my ridiculous feelings without making a spectacle of myself. Let me tell you the ways I have made a crazy lady spectacle of myself……..
The drama is quite useless so I will not be telling you who did what. I also won’t be dragging you through my completely inappropriate responses.
The Journey of Truth
So, what happened? How did I get from A to Z in the speed of light? Where did the light switch to such darkness? How did I get this turned around?
I had to seek out Jesus, crawl in his lap, have a good cry and have a moment of feeling safe to sort through any of this.
My anger, my frustration with mankind, my outrageous disappointment in others, my darkness that ran me over like a Mac truck were all allowed to be more powerful than Jesus. What a small and lifeless exercise in a complete waste of time.
So where did it all come from? There has to be a source. No one took over my body or my mind to make this happen. I let it happen. I could get down on myself, I certainly know that drill. Or I could keep working my way through it, not only to get some relief but get back to serving Christ, not being an embarrassment to him.
Boiled Down To Fear
Anger, frustration, disappointment and darkness this time came from fear. Fear is never from God. It was knowing that, inside and out, that stopped me in my tracks and allowed me to let down enough of my barriers to examine how to get this turned around. I had allowed the circumstances to give me permission to put up more walls.
It was time to find light, not this miserable darkness.
Live Above Circumstances, Not Below Them
I believe with my whole heart that we have a choice to live ABOVE circumstances, not BELOW them. Jesus rose, he was not buried. There are no “circumstances” that give me permission to feel the way I did or act the way I did the last few days. Circumstances are a complete cop-out that gives us permission to be human instead of being saints. As Christians, we are saints, in Christ. We have been given everything we need to rise above all the muck of this world.
When I was finally able to have a moment to cry and crawl up in the Lord’s lap, let those walls down to I could feel him, feel his safety, I figured it out. I let fear hit me like tornados rip through Texas.
It was not a lack of forgiveness for those who hurt me during this time, it was ME, no one else. I have done so many rounds of forgiveness that I knew it was something far different.
My nerves were a little raw from the overwhelm of what actually happened during the emergency. I have proof that there is no reason I should be alive today. I was dead, but not. It was all so much beyond human reasoning how I got to live through this.
Somehow my focus did a 180 degree turn in a heartbeat. No one to blame but myself. The turn happened and I allowed it. It was fear, simple horrifying fear that came out of me like a snotty ungrateful child.
It was definitely self-induced bondage. I can blame my Lyme Disease for a ton of stuff, but not this one.
Okay, the bad news is that I allowed this to happen. The good news is always Jesus. So simple and I make it so hard. I might have lost my common sense but he never abandoned me. And truly, that is what this is all about, abandonment, the wrenching fear of more abandonment.
My life was saved and I am grateful. My life was save by God, through the hands of others. So grateful for the steps that everyone had to take to fit together as a puzzle in a perfect way to allow this to happen. God gets the glory for the Christians who were put in my path who rose above circumstances because of their faith. God also gets the glory for using non-Christians to do their thing to put their pieces into this complex puzzle so that I could be alive today.
The Crisis of My Lifetime
My ascending aorta was completely blocked. There is no exaggeration in that statement although it is medically impossible. I understand how humans would not even believe me. I have a picture to prove it. Still don’t believe it, I still don’t care. I care about what God does, what he provides, how he shows up every moment of every day all day long to take care of our needs and his perfect plan for our lives. He has already taken care of everything before it occurs.
So what the heck is my problem? How could I have let fear grip me to that degree that I just lost it the last few days? It is my faith in God that allows me to understand that I am alive ONLY because he saved my life through this episode. It is my lack of faith that let fear grip me when it sunk in that I have to be alone, completely alone, this week. I realized that my faith got flung to the wayside because of circumstances. How pitiful is that, especially after just having received another ginormous miracle.
I was feeling the abandonment when I still need so much physical care. God does NOT abandon. I let human stinking thinking ruin my joy. He will provide for all of my needs. I do not see it today but he will provide. In a week I see how he has provided and I will feel like a complete fool for letting my emotions get ruled by this.
I could pout about my lack of faith or I can get back on track. It was God who saved me 2 weeks ago and it will be God who gives me life and breath as long as he has already chosen for my particular life.
When I get derailed, the only way I know how to get back on is to immerse myself in God’s Word. Everything else takes me on a journey of insanity.
I am still not real clear how I let such a fear grip me to that degree but I choose to move forward instead of figuring out the details. It would be like Jesus waking up in the tomb and deciding he did not have the power to move the stone blocking the entrance. We are supposed to be like Jesus, not be like humans. Us humans have some major flaws. Of course I will only speak for myself.
Time to move on. I am ashamed of myself for my few discraceful days and I am ready to let Jesus help me overcome. I will not live in fear and let it rule my life like that. Plum pitiful. In no way did any of those few days glorify God.
That weight of fear has been lifted and my frail body is alive. I have lots of work to do to resolve the health issues. I should I say, I have a ton of work to do on my faith so I can get out of the way. God will be doing his stuff one way or another but life sure is easier when I get out of the way. All of this needs to be a stepping stone, not a roadblock.
I have learned that it is impossible to tell the story of living through something medically impossible when I am in fear and angry at the world. There is a really awesome God story to tell.
Maribeth Baxter, MBEC (Certified Mind-Body Eating Coach)
2 thoughts on “I Got Derailed”
I find my fear bigger than my faith more times than I care to count! Especially after a “major” miracle (I know they are all major!). Thank you for sharing your humanity.
Embarrassingly human!!!! Your support helps. Standing together in this thing called life helps us to glorify God.